Day Two

Hmm.. My relationship status. I'm in love, to put it quite plainly. With my best friend, my soul mate, my one-and-only. He knows more about me than anyone does, and often I think he knows too much. He is my lifeline. He keeps me sane, he keeps me away from the dark, twisted, lonely hole of my own mind. He pisses me off... Often. But he generally is only trying to help me out. Hes been mine for going on 7 months now. I'm selfish with him, I really am. He is nothing but good to me, and I just make his life more and more difficult.

I love you more than anything and everything. And I need you..  Like I need to breathe. And when I'm with you.. I can somewhat make sense of things.And when you talk to me, and when you say my name, I just feel like everything is how it should be. And when you hold me like you do I just want to stay like that forever and cry and tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me.

♥

"You know you are in love when you can't fall asleep

because reality is finally better than your dreams."

Day Uno

A Picture Of Me

& 10 Facts

1.) Well first off I stole this challenge from the blog "chapstick, chapped lips, and things like chemistry" because it looked quite fun; and I find that blog extremely interesting.

2.) I write. Writing is my passion and it is the one thing that is there for me when nothing and no one else is.

3.) Reading is my favorite♥

4.) I always have a smile on my face; for I have learned that it is easier to tough it out and say "I'm ok." then have to try and explain to a real person what is actually wrong.

5.) I'm in love with music, and I sing.

6.) I want to live in the city. Ahh.

7.) I have a very artistic mind, but very clumsy, awkward, impateint hands, so I have quite a bit of trouble executing my artistic thoughts.

8.) I'm not what I look like; "Don't judge a book by it's cover."

9.) I play volleyball. Heart.

10.) I don't talk about my feelings.

AH REAL MONSTERS

   Girls. All we live for is to impress, win approval, and rebel rebel rebel. Those who say they do not, they do! They are subconciously trying to impress the whole rest of the world with thier originality and outlandishness. They are winning the approval of themselves, and they are rebeling against everyone.
   We want to impress other girls, for we have a longing for friendship. We want to impress boys, for we have a strong desire for companionship. We want our parents to approve of us because we have a dire need for a roof over our heads, but we rebel against them at the same time, to impress these same boys and girls that I previously mentioned.
   We look at ourselves and we are never content. We run our hands over our own tired, hungry bodies, and pray and wish and hope that when we wake up in the morning we will have dropped 10 pounds, or we will now magically look how we want to look. We are selfish, wicked, creatures.
   I wish I could say I do not want to impress people, or rebel against them, or win their approval, because I do. All of us girls do, every single godforsaken day we live.

The 25 Day Challenge?

1. photo of you along with 10 facts
2.describe your relationship status
3.past boyfriends, list one pro one con
4.describe your mood
5.a letter to your bestfriend
6.the hardest thing you've ever had to do
7.one thing you want to tell someone
8.a recent picture of you
9.your picture of the day
10. 6 things you cant live without
11.5 things that make you mad
12.what makes you smile
13.how do you feel about yourself
14.something your ashamed of
15.first relationship
16.your life story in 3 words
17. list 5 imperfections/flaws
18.empty your backpack take a picture of its contents
19.post a random picture from today, explain
20.time to get ready for school, post a picture of all your supplies
21.biggest fear when it comes to relationships
22.picture of you and your best friend
23. bad habit you have
24. ex best friend - why are you no longer friends?
25. letter to an ex boyfriend

♥

merry christmas to all, and to all a good night.

    I wish to be that mysterious introvert who is secretly beautiful. But I am not, so I strive to see everything from a different perspective and live in the world as completely who I am, unedited.

get out.

          "“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am exhausted."

  What do you want? I can only do so much.


       Inaequate rest, they tell me. A lot of stress, she says. "Overexertion" we'll call it. Shut up, all of you. If it were up to me, I'd be physically worse off. Good thing its winter. But no, noo no. Meaghan can't decide anything for herself. Shes (and i quote) "childish... You don't know the difference."


            I have some minor anxiety problems. I also have major depression issues. Genetics. I mean no one knows about these bad things, other than you-know-who-dare-I-say-his-name-on-my-blog. If you MUST know, self mutilation & I had a fling a while back as well. I hate to admit it. He-who-must-not-be-named (oh Lord!) doesn't allow me to go there anymore.
Anyway. It hurts to speak of it. And yet, here I am, staring at my computer screen on the first night of Christmas break, (due to Has No Life Disorder) thinking of what sort of thing I can type next.

I am pathetic. I pity myself; for I know I am worthless and stuck forever in the dark.
Thats right, certified. It even asked me if i wanted to print my results.

I Don't Wanna Be

I've go this senseless smile, this same simple

smile that everyday I fake.

I've got these "friends" who hear but don't listen;

Thats where they made their first mistake.

How can they say they know me, when

I do not even know myself?

How long can I keep my silenced secrets

That make this life a living hell?

I keep it all in, in my heavy head.

The dillusions, the images of me falling behind.

Some days I want to scream; but never cry; I DO NOT CRY.

No one thinks or knows anything of my befuddled mind.

You cannot claim to care until you comprehend

No one knows about how I drive myself miserably mad

But I wouldn't tell you if you asked

So why do I complain?

I am a woman of many words,

But some words I cannot say.

Maybe I'm Just Blind

 "Well I won't be the one to disapoint you anymore.

And I know, I've said all this so that you've heard it all before."



            I'm sorry I make you angry, I really don't mean it. Owning up to my feelings and thoughts is scary, sometimes its just a whole lot easier to pretend I'm okay. I can't help being afraid. I don't even know what to do, half the time I don't even know whats wrong I just know that I hate that somethings wrong and I hate myself for not saying anything. I drive myself crazy. Your nothing but nice to me, and patient with me, and I don't talk and that makes you angry and then I get scared. And then I think about the horrid things that shouldn't be in my head but they are. And that scares me even more because you think those bad things are all gone; you think I have minor problems, you think that I am happy and that I am content. No, no, no, oh no. I need help. I need a lot of help. You are my only lifeline. But you are too sensitive, too fragile to handle that aren't you? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't talk, for I can't lie to you. But I do oh my God i do. I am so sorry for doing this. I have nothing else.

I'll Take The Bullet.

"This is such a farce, this whole thing. I thought I was better and I'm not better. I tried to get stable and I can't get stable. I tried to turn the corner and there aren't any corners; I can't eat; I can't sleep; I'm just wasting resources."

          We do not live in a world where its okay to be different. They all say we do, but the different ones know better. People have no idea.. They talk and talk and never listen. Call me a hypocrite, call me melodramatic. But don't come crying when I'm gone. Don't run to me with open arms and tell me you're here for me and here to listen because it will already be too late. Those who get it, will get it. Those who dont get it, they won't. Until you are inside my head living my life and being in my state of mind, don't tell me what is wrong or right. I can't tell you what I feel, because you've never felt it, so you will not even come close to comprehension. Those who I used to call my friends, no longer need me. Nor do they want me. I don't need them to need me, and i don't need them to want me. Things so superficial bother them, and I do not have the time or patience to be bothered by them. Don't worry. I am doing your worrying for you; for you are all too busy being skinny fake pricks with perfect lives for you to have any concern with real people with real problems. Get a grip.

Even in what seem to be the happiest of places, there is always darkness hiding in plain sight.