Day 25 :D

A letter to an ex boyfriend...

Brendan:

           You really ought to know by now how badly you hurt me. All I wanted was honesty and you couldn't even give me that much. I never asked for a single godforsaken thing, all you did was take and take and take and take. I really did love you then, I hope you know that. I honestly believed you loved me too, for a couple seconds there. I could go on... But I'd be crazy to give you that satisfaction.

You suck,

              Meaghan (:

You and I walk a fragile line.

I can't always be the perfect best friend. The perfect daughter. The perfect girlfriend. The perfect student. The perfect athlete. The perfect child. The perfect entertainer.
But I try.
I pull my weight in everything I do, but I can't always be the best, no matter how hard anyone wants me to be, no matter how hard I push.
I can't always be everything, do everything.
I don't always laugh at the right time, I don't always smile at the right sentences. Maybe I joke about things I shouldn't. So I laugh when I should cry, and cry when I should smile. So I'm not perfect.
Hell, how could anyone expect perfection?
I've been a long way.
And I know I'm not perfect.
And if you are a part of this life I'm going to need you to accept that, too.

"Fall in love with my flaws before you fall in love with me."

DAY#24

    Hmmm, I have a lot of "ex-best friends." We have just grown apart, got into arguments over simple, irrelavent things. Its upsetting when I think about it. But what else can you expect from teenagers, right?
I think it's a bit harsh to call them all my "ex best-friends." I would say they are just friends, who I have let slip through my fingers these past 14 years. How I miss all of you dearly.

  ♥

Day 23

A bad habit I have...........

I talk.
A lot.

:O

day 22

A picture of me and my best friend :)

♥

Spur of the Moment

  You are supposed to run to me, hold me, say you love me, tell me everything is okay, tell me you're here now, tell me you always will be. You're supposed to let me fall into your arms, tell me it's alright, let me cry on your shoulder, say you'll still be my Valentine, tell me you are sorry. You're supposed to be kind to me under any and all circumstances. You're supposed to be the one person that doesn't look at me like I'm crazy.

Or not.

I can't fall.

Or I'll be back at square one.

Square one is a vile, nasty place.

I'm afraid.

“Sometimes in our confusion, we see not the world as it is,

 but the world though eyes blurred by the mind.”

day 21

My biggest fear when it comes to relationships is that I will show someone I love them, that I will spend time on them and confide in them and let them know I love them, and that they will push me away. I'm always scared that they won't like me, that they're going to run away, that they are going to change into a monster that I don't want in my life. That they are going to forget my words and watch me fade away.

   

     I'm having a bad day. :(

FOUR DAYS

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

My house is quiet this morning.

Woke up.

Almost went back to bed.

But decided to pick up my book and drift away for awhile.

Sipping at my coffee.

My feet are freezing.

I painted my nails pink.

I've gotta feel this.

Day20

Imagine me, getting ready for school. This is most of my stuff.

I Just Want To Show You.

"Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation

 as you are your own. Love each other or perish."

All I'm good at is talking. So I'd like to have a career that involves talking and people. I like talking. And people. But some people are so rude and ignorant, like seriously. How old are we now, time to be a grown up.
I've been so good lately. I like it. ♥
I like looking forward to waking up in the morning. I like just being me. I like being ok with things. I like being REAL happy. I like feeling my feelings. I like not being afraid anymore.

"While you sit around thinkin' bout what you can't change, worrying about all the wrong things. Time's flyin' by, moving so fast. You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back..."

Its almost the 14th of February. 

It seems like no one likes Valentine's day anymore. I remember in elementary school when we did those little handmade valentine's, and we would do them so tediously, giving the biggest prettiest ones to who you liked, and the smaller, less attractive ones to the kids you didn't like. People seem to dislike this holiday because they don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend to celebrate it with. That isn't what its about. Its an opportunity to show anyone, anywhere, that you care about them. Friend love. Family love. Real love. Puppy love. It doesn't matter. Look at it as a chance to reach out to someone, and love.



Morrie Schwartz

"People haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're

running all the time looking for it."

People talk of "finding themselves." They want to know why they are here, what they are supposed to be, who they are supposed to be.They waste precious days, months, even years of thier lives trying to figure out what their life means. You just have to go with it. Be by yourself, be with others. Embrace your emotions, then let them go. That is what we all need to do to find meaning in our lives, is to just go with the flow. Stand up for your rights. Watch time go by. Run. Jump. Cry. Yell. Sing. Dance. Teach. Learn. Help. Be helped. Play. Laugh. Smile. Live. We must live our lives to the fullest extent. When I am on my deathbed, I want to be able to say I have done just so, to say I have "found meaning in my life" just by being alive.

"Tuesdays With Morrie"

I swear, that book saved my life.

Thank You.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."

   It looks like a snowglobe out there. Do you think God just shakes the whole world, and that's what makes it snow? Like he uses the earth as his own personal snowglobe? Hmm. I was baptized a Catholic, but I live like an atheist. Maybe I should start Talking To God.

I'm Meaghan, and I'm re-teaching myself how to be happy.

I'm Meaghan, and all I'm asking for is forgiveness.. And trust.

I'm Meaghan, welcome to my life.

I'm Meaghan.. And for the first time in quite a long while...

                          I'm glad I am alive.

♥

DAY #19

A picture from today.

Such A Wonderful Man.

 Welcome to Saturday Night.

Here I was tonight, goofing off in front of a camera. This is the bare, real me. Without the endless layers of make up. Here I am. I am now vulnerable to your critisism.

      I was at the music store today. It was just before 2 o'clock. I was sitting in a brown leather chair next to a window, and through that window there was three inches of snow on the ground, with plenty gently falling from the sky adding to it. Engrossed in my own thoughts, I heard a sweet, deep, truly happy laugh. I look up from my lap and I see a tall, bald, black man in a red sweater and thick rimmed glasses. "I thought we were done with this stuff!" He bellowed as he gazed out the window at all the fluffy white flakes, just like I had been. He looks at me and says "You know how to get your car out of all this? You stop. Get out of the car. And pile as much of that stuff on your front end as you can without damaging your car. Then get back in, tap the gas really lightly, and you'll be sliding right out like nothing. Its traction, see..." He spun me beautiful stories of the snow, investigating who stole his property, his "thug neighbors" , traction, how he will never again listen to the news radio and television, how to make an igloo. The only thing I know of this man is that he has a pistol hanging in his doorway with a plaque that says "We don't call the police." on it. I couldn't tell you his name. Or how old he is. Or what instrument he plays. Or his favorite color. Where he went to school. But this man is truly an inspiration to me. His laugh was musical, infectious, it entranced me. He made me want to sit and chat with him about mindless things for the rest of my weekend. He was so pleasant and lively! If everyone in the word had half the spirit and joyfulness this man had, the world would be a much better place. He says to me "Some thug stole my gate, and you know. He must have been a giant or somethin', and he just leaned over and plucked it right up, because he did not leave a single track for me to follow in all this snow! I'm amazed." Oh no, he wasn't worried about someone stealing his gate! He wanted to know how this thug didn't leave a footprint! This made my day. I want to be just like this man. He is an inspiration.  
                                                                                                               :)

Welcome to the Real World, She said to me.

Some days I wake up cold
                                        lost.
                                               alone
                                                        sad
                                                               scared
                                                                          hungover.

But I always

                   always

                              always

Wake up alive.

And I'm striving to make that a good thing.

Day #18

A picture of everything in my backpack.


Homework folder, English folder, Lunchbox♥, Gym shoes, Hand-made Winter Formal T-shirt :)



You are not just a wave, You are part of the ocean.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

 I mess up sometimes. I do. I am not a role model, I am not a parent, I am not a celebrity who millions eagerly follow. I am just a frightened girl trying to figure things out for myself. As I watch, I see things. Friends falling down around me. Love burning and raging and trying to hold me. Social status mattering less and more, more and less. People of all shapes and all sizes and all colors and all mindsets with their own problems and their own issues and their own friends and their own lovers and their own unique way of doing things. I'm looking for my own unique way of doing things.

I'm sorry I made you think this is okay.
I'm sorry I made you think I'm ok.
I'm sorry I made you laugh when I needed to cry.
I'm sorry for everything.

 I see that I impact people. I have a wall, I built it within me because I thought we all need to keep things to ourselves. You seemed so stable, you knew how to help yourself, you dug yourself out of your own hole. But your falling back in again. I need you to talk to me. I'm here. I'm always going to be. You need to remember that you and I are inseparable. That you and I, are the same. That you and I feel the same feelings and I'm here to let you know that. I made you do this, understand that was not my intention. I am guilty. Do not tell me I was not your cause, I did not tell you no. Please. Let us take down my wall, and fill in the cracks in yours. I'm always here.

You ought to know who you are. 

Day 17

List of 5 imperfections\flaws.

1.) I'm an extreme over-analyzer. I over think things and second guess myself constantly.

2.) I'm hypercritical, like I'm an extreme perfectionist.

3.) I accidentally yell at people because I have so much going on in my head that outsiders do little things that make me explode at them.

4.) I'm really bossy, I was born a leader and I embrace that aspect of myself, but generally it's annoying and I seem very self-absorbed.

5.) I take advantage of things I shouldn't.

Happy February

We are so dependant on calenders and clocks. Why can't I leave when I wish to leave, sleep when I feel like sleeping, miss when I feel like missing?

Supposed to get a snowstorm where I live tonight, blizzard warning starting at 7pm.

Running

Sprinting
Breathing

The higher I fly, the harder I crash.

I get so excited
So pumped
So happy
So joyful
So optimistic
For nothing.
Just messing.
Its over.
No more.
And then i fall
Into the deep abyss
Of life
Depression

Malfunction

People people people
And I crash
Loud and clear

Into the brick wall of the world.

The sheer forces of reality knock me back.
Thoughts ricochet around my head
I crash hard
And it lasts and lasts
I  try and try
No hope no faith.
I just want to be free.
The higher I fly.. The harder I crash.

"I am tomorrow, or some future day,

what I establish today. I am today what I

established yesterday or some previous day."