Can anybody hear me?

"I am Meaghan's low self esteem. I tell Meaghan that she is not worth anything and that she should just give up. I am Meaghan's social anxiety. I make Meaghan afraid to interact with people, and give her a reason to feel like her self esteem should be low. I am Meaghan's inferiority complex. I make Meaghan feel that she is the worst person in the world and that there is something inherently wrong with her. I am Meaghan's restless mind. I am constantly thinking and making Meaghan feel worse even when she starts to feel better. I am Meaghan's constant state of depression. I make Meaghan feel miserable all day long and make her wish that she had never visited a place we know as the universe. I am Meaghan's sense of accomplishment. I am now nonexistent because I feel that nothing that I ever do is worth anything because no matter what I try I cannot make myself feel happy. I am Meaghan's guilt. I make Meaghan feel terrible for feeling the way she does because she has things better than 90% of the people on the face of the earth.
I am Meaghan's sense of hope. I am one of the few things that keep Meaghan from ending her life. I am beginning to fade away, but Meaghan tries to hold onto me with everything she has, because I am all she has left...

What are you? "

-Fight Club

Day 14 15 16

Something I'm ashamed of?
Read on, and you will see. I am most ashamed of this self infliction, this intoxicating pain, these hide-and-seek games I play.

My first relationship?
A waste of my heart.

My life story in 3 words?
You'd be surprised
♥

day 13

"I feel spectacular.I feel

shitty.I feel on top of

the world. I feel like I'm

on my way to hell.The

ball's in my court.What do

I do? Serve? Volley? Concede?"

How do I feel about myself? Not good. I hate who I am. I feel like I deserve to be dead. I feel like I might as well take my life because I'm going to hell anyway.
  Today my creative resources are all dried up and I can't come up with pretty enough words to describe my inside, to describe what I see. I don't like that, it's really all I have left in this little lonely world I'm in. At least "I feel" like that, anyway.
 I feel like I'm too tall. I think too much. I over analyze. I'm in a sad mood every day for no reason. I have a good life, but I hate it. I feel like no one cares and no on ever will. This is how it is, sorry too bad, you drew the short straw in the pickings of life. I feel like I constantly have a cloud over my head.

Day 12..?

What makes me smile.

-My dog.

-Music

-Winning

-Rain

-Snow days

-Baking things.

-Solid sleep and waking of my own accord.

-Sleepovers. 

..Fall Winter Spring?

Summer.

I miss the sun.

The heat.

The sweat.

The air conditioners.

Walking the dog down Gratiot Avenue

Cutoffs

Tank tops

Sun Glasses
Fireworks
Midnight prank calls to kids who knew it was us.
Hours of ranting and complaining about precious boys boys boys.

The sweet sticky Mountain Dew kisses
In small, secluded, dimly-lit spaces between fences and brick walls of
our abandoned middle school.
Dreaming quietly through all hours of the day
Long, sleepless nights

Sun block

Flip flops

Bathing suits

Water

Dancing in Summer storms

Writing in Summer storms

Watching the ink drip wet down my final page of priceless poetry.

Daisy chains

Made from simple, stolen flowers

From the gardens of friends, enemies, society, unknowns.

Hate
Love
Indifference
Art

Cell Phone

Build-A-Bear
Splash

2010....

..2011
Summer.

One more semester.

Day 11

5 THINGS THAT MAKE ME MAD !

1. Those nights that you have so much going on, and then the teachers give you so much homework. It's like they can sense that you have stuff going on.
2. My dad. This could also be [ 2. The effects of alcohol. ]
3. Knowing I caused pain to someone else
4. Irresponsible, lazy people.

5. Crying.

I'm Not Like Other Girls.

But how I wish I was.

I wish I was

a lover not a fighter

a cryer, not a wisher

an artist, not a cutter

A real girl, not just "Meaghan."

I wish I could be

more romantic, not so goofy

a genius, not a halfway point

    a creator, not a fan.

                                                         a person, not just a
                                                     waste of breath

I wish to be

skinny, not so busty like this

flirty, not so klutzy

perfect, not so average like me

beautiful, and not so ugly.

Day 10

6 things I cannot live without.

 

1. Music♥
2. A book.
3. Ice water.
4. Someone to make stories with.
5. Chapstick, the minty burts bees kind 
6. Paper and something to write with. 

Day 9?

My "PICTURE OF THE DAY"

Ibuprofen

I need you to be my eyes                                                                                                      

So long, old friend. Thanks a lot, Doc.

To help me see where I'm going, what im doing

I need you to be my mouth

Help me say things that matter

I need you to be my heart
So I can stay alive long enough to live a full life
I need you to be my belly and
tell me not to eat any more
I need you to be my feet and

Lead me in the right direction.

I'm like your eyes; blue, bold.

I'm like your mouth; open, talkative.

I'm like your heart; full of love and hate.

I'm like your belly button; useless, but I'm here anyway.

I'm like your feet; I stay low to the ground.

Meds only cure half the physical pain.. I still hurt.

Day 8

A recent picture of me. And my baby sister. She still looks up to me.

Clownin'

Day 7

  One thing I want to tell someone is that I don't want to be who I am anymore. I hate myself, and I can't stand these mirrors showing me the truthful horror that is my reality. I want to be someone else. Someone beautiful, smart, funny, talented, witty, creative, adventurous, interesting, wild and responsible. I feel like I am outside my body, looking down onto who I am. And I hate it.




"I'm on the outside looking in."

 

I Miss You

I miss you, crooked smile in the mirror.

I miss feeling happy, versus just acting it, just playing the part.

I miss you, old pencil, old paper.

I miss having no worries.

I miss when "I need to talk to you." meant you just missed me and wanted to chat.

I miss when "depressed" was just a fancy way to say sad.

I miss when "pain" was getting a splinter and saying ow.

I miss when "a bad night" was when you didn't fall asleep until 10:30.

I miss when your eyes lit up seeing me.

I miss when you weren't always concerned about my problems.

I miss the days when you would talk to me and I would talk to you and you would never glance down where my hand connects to my forearm.

I miss when neither of us had to complain.



Day 6

The Hardest Thing You've Had to Do.

    The hardest thing I've ever had to do is what I'm currently doing: Waking up every morning and living my life in secrecy, living as if I'm okay, living as if I'm not always in pain. Keeping my big happy smile on my face, so no one worries about little old me. 

Marshal. You Have No Friends.

  I am like the sun sometimes... I come and go as I please. And no one notices. But they would care if I stopped coming and going, if I left this world behind.

I almost wish I hadn't done it. Because I know your going to ask me if I did. I don't want to lie. Its a difficult thing to hide... I'm feeling 10 pounds heavier. But I've barely eaten today. I'm also relieved. But in the back of my mind I'm worrying, of course, as usual.

Worrying you will see.

Worrying that I myself will show it to you!

Worrying you will tell.

Worrying I will shed the first tear.

Like I said, a difficult thing to hide. Ugh, fast food. fast food. Family, why? Family, school. Pressure. Pressure. Blood. Boyfriend? No sleep. Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty. Love. Ah, bugs. Guilty.

“A guilty conscience needs no accuser”

Day 5

a letter to your best friend..



Dear Katelyn,
      You are naive. You really are. But you are the only friend have, so I guess this is it.
    I admire you, because you are smart, and will always be smarter than me. I also admire you because you are nice to people even when they are mean to you.
    I think your stupid, you don't think when you fall in love. You think the world revolves around you. And you always leave me out of your plans.
    You hear me, but most days your too caught up in your life to listen. Sometimes you think, but only of yourself. You can speak about your problems and all of your battles you've chosen to fight, and I listen and listen until I no longer can, and I tell you quite simply, I couldn't care less anymore. Of course your offended. What goes around comes around; don't give it out if you can't handle getting it back.
   When you do fit me into your er, "BUSY SCHEDULE" we have a lot of fun, we always do.(http://www.youtube.com/illspeaknow) But when you leave, you never come back.

     I miss being closer to you. I miss those winning football games every friday with Jordan & Jordan. I miss Taylor Swift at all hours of the night. I miss my house smelling like peanut butter cookies every weekend. I wish you still knew me.

                                                                     -Megg-o





"Its your freshmen year, and your gonna be here for the next four years in this town... Cause when your 15 and somebody tells you they love you, your gonna beleive them."







I am a professional at seeming "fine."

          I can no longer define the lines between right and wrong. Between love and indifference. Between lust and need. You and I, our souls are twisted and tangled into a single crazed being. I can't distinguish the difference of my desicions and yours, my life and yours. Your words are killing me now. I cannot differenciate two things as simple and elementary as bathroom tiles, let alone two things so insanely complicated and intertwined as the two of us. I am utterly a mess. You are mocking me, throwing it in my face. Here I am, practically ripping my hair out, with my heart racing, tossing and turning and clawing at my damn wrist because I can't do it. Because I can't lose you. I want two things. And I cant have them both......

  

       "Wish 

   You could turn off

The questions, turn

off the voices

turn off all sound."

Day Numba 4

errrrrrrrrrr my mood?
How do I describe my mood?
I am tired.
I have a headache.
This is a diffficult one.



THIS IS WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW



yes please

  

 Why do they stare at me? Didn't their mommies and daddies teach them its rude to look like that at other people? And that its rude to point when they walk by? Oh.. Wait.. The mommies and daddies are looking too. Stop staring at me, please, avert your beautiful brown blue purple green silver hazel yellow red orange gray white navy beige black eyes. PLEASE, what am I to you, some sort of freak? Am I too tall? Too big? Too loud? Why do they all stop and stare and me,  they walk all over me using only their cold, far-away eyes. You don't know me, you didn't know I exsisted until I walked in the room 10 minutes ago, therefore you have no right to look down on me. So if you could please get on with your day, so I can get on with mine.

"No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky."

Day #3

Ex Boyfriend(s)

Brendan:
Pro: He always knew what to say to me.
Con: He was a liar.