4-19-10

Be quiet, be quiet

they whisper.

Fifteen more minutes until we're out of here.

You grab my hand and

Sing to me a sweet secret in my ear

My favorite time of the day

Not because we're almost out, like I say

Because I am with you

The only reason that I come.

We can sit

And talk

And wrestle with thumbs

I'm in love with you

and then some.

<3

Day 5

Do I read?

I LOVE TO READ!
I'm in love with the Harry Potter series,♥♥♥ (Just thinking about Deathly Hallows: Part  Two makes me want to jump for joy! ONLY 16 MORE DAYS.)
And I loveeee Ellen Hopkins books.
And the Twilight Saga, of course!
I love the book Willow by Julia Hoban.
I'd say my favorite book is It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini.

Reading is my favorite, deffinetly.

♥ I'm a Pot-head. HAHA! Get the joke?

Day #4

Hmmmm 5 things from my wishlist?!


1.) A laptop :(((

2.) New clothes♥♥

3.) One of those really nice (expensive) cameras

4.) Makeuppp

                                                                                      5.) Some friends .

Let's talk about it!

Just thought I should make it known that Curling is not a sport. It's pushing a rock with a broom. Not a sport, in any way :D



Curling hair is more of a sport.



We Did a Bullying Unit .

We walk a fragile line
A lopsided line within our heads
The Mean Girls thought they were just fine
Until they saw their victim dead.
They say that they aren't killers
Even though the girl is gone
We have no fingerprints, no evidence
So we can't prove them wrong.
She was barely in high school, she was only 15.
The bullies were ruthless, angry and mean.
She took her own life, January 14th.
So much left of the world they didnt let her see.
After a long day, she hung herself up by her neck.
This kind of tragedy has happened every day since.
Now the bullies are living a life of regret
Because they couldn't stop bullying
Until they killed Phoebe Prince.

4-20-10

Warm, bright, round.
Never makes a single sound
But somehow manages to make itself heard
In love with the clouds, best friends with the birds
Knows its way up
and of course, the way down
Shiny, perfect, deep.
Represents all life
Without itself, knowing how to breathe.
A great pit of fire,
There in the sky
The heart of all passion,
Up who knows how high
Energizing, unrealistic, fun
Its life has only just begun
We've learned it's old
But it seems so young!
It makes the world a better place to love.
If I could live on fantasy
I would live and breathe and be
The sun
♥

6-27-10

I'm finally just glad
Sitting in this rain
Without an ex boyfriend or a dad
To cost me blood and pain
You really make me happy
And I just don't know what to do
This is the realest love
This whole time, I saw right through
But all that matters is I'm here now
Here, standing next to you
I thought I needed something new
When really, truly
All along what I needed was right here
In front of me
The two of us
Feel like a dream
A dream that is the realest thing
Finally, oh finally.
I can dream my happy dream

<3

Happy Summer (:

I found a load of old poetry that I've written, I think I'll post some of it up here.
I made a rainbow cake, it's lovely!
Does anyone see anything I post? O_o
I feel like I'm just talking to myself. So feel free to let me know if you're reading this! :D

There is a thunderstorm going down where I live.

"When there are no enemies within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you."

Day 3

If I had to choose a time period to be born in..
1960s. Without a second thought♥
Everyone just had sex and did drugs and people were who they were then. I think it's intriguing how different society is now. Plus, the music is awesome.♥♥

♥

when do I get better?

Yesterday I did something bad
According to the world
Blood on the floor, endorphins gone mad
That was where my story began to unfurl
A blade through my vein
Is my one luscious sin
All my questions, all my pain
On every square inch of my skin
Angelic crimson daisies creep across my flesh
I watch them move so stealthily
Putting my tolerance to the test
So the doctor diagnosed me as "calling out for help"
When someone finally stumbled upon my flower bed of shame
I'm just trying to drown these demons that they've sent me straight from hell
I do not need assistance in playing my own games.

So this is where I've ended up

On a couch with some foreign stranger

Listening to her pitifully preach about

My razors and their dangers

She tells me, "Be open to your feelings."

That only drives me more insane.

It doesn't stop my thoughts from reeling

It doesn't fix my broken brain

I've never told her that I simply want to be somebody else

She'd calmly tell me that with time these teenage things will fade

I still just don't see what is so wrong

With acting on my impulse

And dancing with the blade.

Day 2

The band or musician most important to me.

Taylor Swift♥

Her music is so close to my heart. I've cried to her music, laughed to her music, sang to her music, made friends over her music. Her songs are playing in the background of some of my most cherished memories. Sometimes her songs are such a perfect description of my life sometimes that I feel like she had to have been looking over my shoulder through all my ups and downs. Her music has been with me through a lot of rough shit. She inspires me to follow my heart and stay true to myself.

"To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’sFEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS."

I'm caught up in you

"I know what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you can't, how you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain in the inside."

 

A rare day that I feel pretty makes me hate myself even more. Sigh.

School is finally over, that's nice. 

My therapist thinks that everything is great. I don't know why I fake so much shit around her, I didn't even mean to.

My posts are so mood swingy, sometimes they are really ecstatic, and sometimes they are really depressed and glum.. I don't know.

Day 1

ahhhh, religion.

Personally, I'm still figuring things out. As of right now, I worship the sun. Christian folks often say, why worship a creation and not a creator? Because there is no evidence of the creator. I can see the sun, feel the sun, there are logical facts about the sun. Another thing about Christianity that bothers me is this "God's plan" business. If God planned for all these horrid things to happen, then he must have a couple of screws loose in his head. When some people hear "horrid things" they think the Holocaust, slavery, 9-11. A Christian would tell you, "Well, all those things ended, didn't they? That was God's work." But what about problems that never end? Hate crime. Theft. Drugs. Low self esteem. Alcohol. Eating disorders. Self mutilation. Murder. Suicide. Those things don't ever, EVER end. So, Christian. How come your God hasn't saved me from those things? One more thing I am hung up on is that supposedly, God isn't discriminatory. And yet, it says IN THE BIBLE, that those who don't believe in God will be damned to hell. If that isn't discrimination, I don't know what is.
I could go on and on about this. I really could. I'll stop for now. I wish I could believe in God or the Bible. But this is what I stand for, and no one has been able to move me otherwise.

"The difference between a Christian and an Atheist is that a Christian won't rob a bank because he thinks he will go to hell and God will not love him. An Atheist doesn't rob the bank because it's a dick thing to do."

My titles are never relavent to my posts.

I HATE FINALS. My geometry final was horrible, I guessed on literally 75% of it. My teacher is such a fucktard, no one knew anything on that test. I'm so glad I never have to have him again.
My chemistry final is tomorrow, there is so much on there that I don't understand. Ugh ugh ugh.
Oh, Honors classes. So silly.

I love love love my gay tennis coach♥♥ He is so cute. He said if we were doing awards, I would have won most enthusiastic. It's just cause I am so bad at tennis that I get excited and pee everywhere if i make a good shot, because it happens rarely. He used the word "Jubilant." He has such a large vocabulary! I makes me jealous. Ahh I heart gay men.

www.faceinhole.com =love

Spongebob is my English teacher. She wasn't ready but I took
 the picture anyway. She is my favorite!

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely
ridiculous than absolutely boring."

:)

1.) What is your stance on religion? Would you affiliate yourself with any?
2.) What band/musician is most important to you? Explain why.
3.) you could chose a time period to be born in, which one would it be and why?
4.) Name five things from your wish list.
5.) Do you read? If so, what are your three favorite books and why?
6.) If you could live anywhere, where would you live and why?
7.) How old do you think you act? Explain.
8.) If you could only live off of one food and one beverage for the rest of your days, what would they be?
9.) What is your favorite quote? How does it relate to your life?
10.) What item of clothing do you wear the most?
11.) What can you not live without?
12.) Name things that you do every day.
13.) Who is someone you admire? Why?
14.) If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you do with your remaining time on earth?
15.) What do you want to be when you get older? Why did you choose it?
16.) If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would it be? What would you say to them or ask them?
17.) What is your favorite film?
18.) Would you consider yourself an optimist or a realist? Why?
19.) do you want children? Why or why not?
20.) What subject did you exceed in at school?
21.) How attractive do you consider yourself?
22.) Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality or someone beautiful with a plain personality?
23.) Choose two: mentally stable, intelligent, attractive. Explain why you chose those two.
24.)What do you prefer: film or television? Why?
25.) If you could choose to live forever, would you? Why or why not?
26.) Do you wish for anything at 11:11? If so, what do you wish for? Has anything ever come true?
27.) What do you imagine your life like at age fifty?
28.) Have you ever been in love?
29.) What does your name mean? Why were you given your name?

Public Bathrooms Gross Me Out.

I hate when people complain about their lives and make people pity them. We all come from some level of dysfunction, if everyone was trying to make everyone else feel sorry for them, we'd live in a pretty miserable place.

I also hate when people judge others because they only know one bad thing about the, and don't bother to hear them out or listen to their story. Some people have no coping mechanisms, so they turn to something unhealthy to try and drown the problem. Nobody's perfect. It's never a good idea, but you can't personally call someone out on that, if you don't even know them, you don't know what they've seen.
Idiot.

I also hate people who take the easy way out. People who are just low lives, and have no class, no work ethic, no life or future ahead of them, no morals or ethics or beliefs or opinions or ideas or original thoughts. Like, what are you doing right now. Get your shit together. Time isn't meant for wasting.



"Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into.
Wasn't it beautiful, when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you.."



WHOAAAAAA

Soooo my dad is getting out of rehab tomorrow.
I haven't had time to get on here and keep you all updated due to my life being flipped around.
So, yeah. Two weeks ago tomorrow, my dad had a panic attack, and decided he had had enough of his own bullshit. So he checked himself into the #1 alcohol and drug rehab in the state. That happens to be almost an hour drive from where I live. Nice.
Everything is very clean there. And everyone has yellow hands from smoking so many cigarettes.
There were all kinds of people there.
There were teenagers, and old people, and black people, and white people, and Indian people, and fat people and skinny people, and nice people, and mean people.
There were people there who really looked like they needed to be there. Your stereotypical addicts, a bad attitude, and clothes that don't fit right and kind of a blank stare that makes you feel uncomfortable.
And then there were people who you never would have suspected in a million years had a substance abuse problem. They were just everyday people. (I mean, where I go to school, addicts and alcoholics are everyday people, but you get the gist of what I'm saying.)
Everyone has their story there.. Mostly sad ones.
This one woman lost two sons to drug overdoses, and her one son was a twin, and his twin (Her name is Sydney) also had a drug problem, so they checked her into rehab because that woman was NOT losing another kid. You can just hear the grief in her voice.
You can tell a lot of the people there are miserable.. those folks are the court ordered ones.
Court ordered like, "Either you can do 30 there, or 30 in the County Jail."
Holy shit. Everything is just a whirlwind.
It really has been a life changing experience.

DAMNITALL.

Okay so the make up challenge didnt work out, because I'm fat and ugly, and I don't need the living proof online for everyone to make fun of. So, yeah.

"Pray

You could somehow stop

the uncertainty, somehow

stop the loathing,

somehow stop the pain."

Dry Heaving Isn't My Favorite Activity.

I'm drowning in an abyss of red
These tentacles surround me.
I never want to leave this bed
So I can't remember what you won't allow me
Counting the cars as they pass by
Watching frozen raindrops fall
I want to run, I'm forced to hide
But when I confess, I'll lose it all.
I'm coasting through the sky so gray
I need something to help me.
Darkness, depression, won't go away
My thoughts always stray from healthy.
Please tell me that the end is near
Take me away from the bleeding.
Can't stop hurting, my mind won't clear
I'm done
I'm exhausted

I'm leaving.

Smile For Me.

So I'm making some new friends I really like lately, so that's nice. Too bad I'm moving away from all of them into The Promised Land in less than two months.
My mom threw me in therepy. The woman has an accent. So that's cool.
Tennis season is almost over :( we have one match left. I love everyone on the team, and I've been having such a good time, I don't want it to end.
I haven't done my homework yet.

"A friend is someone who knows you and loves you just the same."

 

Trying to pretend that I don't feel anything.

Dear Everyone:

I'm sorry I didn't turn out like I was supposed to.Things are going to get better now. I'm going to be courageous. I'm so scared. To everyone behind me: Thank you. To everyone who listened, who noticed, who cared: Thank you. To everyone who sees past the smile: Thank you. To everyone else: I don't need you anymore.

                                               -Meaghan

Crashing

I'm done. I'm so done.
I need the help I need the help I need the help.
I am scared of the world, of society, of the looks and the faces and the poking fun.
But tonight I scared myself.
I'm done betraying everyones trust and making people think I'm okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm going to be brave with you.
And get the help I need.
Because I almost stopped with my wrists
And started in on my throat.
I'm sorry.
I made such a mess.
I'm so scared.
I can't even be poetic anymore, this is so old.
When will I get better?
When will I learn

I'm a hazard to myself.

My dad is a psycho alcoholic.
My mom is a control freak who is stuck in her past.
My sister is a whiny prick who thinks she knows everything.
My life is a mess.

Today I tryed my best to look pretty, and I felt good.

Then I lost it.

Today I got lost in a book about love.

Today my ankle bled all over my blanket.

It was from my razor.

(But not from shaving.)

Today I cryed leaving my boyfriend's house because I

didn't want to come back home to this hell.

I'm slipping.

Some say it's just this age, things will get better, you don't

know stress, your problems are minimal.

That is what I hear.

So what happens now?

"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror, I can't take the person starin' back at me.
I'm a hazard to myself, Don't let me get me. I'm my own worst enemy,
Its bad when you annoy yourself. So irritating. Don't wanna be my friend no more.
I wanna be somebody else."

Don't Rain On My Parade

HELLO MY LOVELY TWELVE FOLLOWERS♥ How are all of you? I miss you terribly. I'm awfully sorry for the lack of posts lately, I keep getting distracted by other things: tennis is starting up, the MASC\MAHS Conference, I've been sick, and trying to finish a book that I just can't seem to get through. AHHH.

I really hate those little things that ask you to "verify the visual code" before you can leave a commet. They are so useless. All they do is piss people off, they aren't proving anything. Grrr.

"I've tryed everything but givin' in." So I'm gonna do it. I know you can all keep a secret.

 

IT'S EVERYONE.

I was born to be alone
So I can do what I need
And not cry because it's home,
But sing because I'm freed.
You lock it up.
You let it go.
When this gets rough
You let me sink so low

Too low to scream

Too low to cry
This blood, this knife
My only high.
You love but you don't understand
Because I am not who you see.
You are not strong, but you are a man.

For you pretend it's all over
And you can't keep your promises to me.

I'm losing this battle.

No self esteem

Dangerous daydreams

I don't want to go back.

I need you to set me free

Give me the confidence that I lack.

Haven't been eating
I've been staying up, thinking
About this desire I have to free fall
I'm shaking and screaming
If I go, you'll go with me
This is all for one

 

                            And one for all

I did my time, now I want out.

I'd like some legit proof of this so-called "God" that everyone talks about.
I'd like some explanations of this terrible stuff that is in this so-called "Bible."
I'm asking, I shall receive, right?
Are you there God?
I don't want to move a mountain.
I am just eager to know why you want to kill every teenager, every homosexual, every cheater, and every disrespectful person on the face of the planet.
And when it became okay to have slaves.
Thanks.

Oh boyfriend, don't you ever ever ever EVER go to bed upset with me. That's asking for a headache, asking for the knife.
I am a bitch sometimes, I'm not gonna lie. But don't think I mean it, baby. I'm here.

My TALENT SHOW was YESTERDAY. I lost my voice the day of the dress rehearsal, and I sounded like a complete American Idol reject :( it was so bad. So I was really scared I was gonna suck, but it wasn't so bad.
I also got to see my best friend Monica ♥ It was lovely, she gets it, I miss her dearly. I LOVE YOU! And I'm always here for you, don't you ever forget thatttt.♥

So many faces, never remembered
So many hidden truths
Never surrendered.

I just want to make you proud.

"Yearn

To close out

the ugliness, close

out the filthiness,

close out all light."

I'm sorry I can't be perfect! You just want and want and want and want, sometimes I feel like it would be easier to slip back down into my dark, quiet hole of depression.
I can't take everything all at once.
Good thing my head doesn't hurt, that's why I'm okay, because that was the one thing setting me over the edge. The one thing I couldn't handle on top of everything else.
I'M BEING A GOOD GIRL AND TUCKING AWAY THE BAD THINGS!


But you keep asking for more.

Day 25 :D

A letter to an ex boyfriend...

Brendan:

           You really ought to know by now how badly you hurt me. All I wanted was honesty and you couldn't even give me that much. I never asked for a single godforsaken thing, all you did was take and take and take and take. I really did love you then, I hope you know that. I honestly believed you loved me too, for a couple seconds there. I could go on... But I'd be crazy to give you that satisfaction.

You suck,

              Meaghan (:

You and I walk a fragile line.

I can't always be the perfect best friend. The perfect daughter. The perfect girlfriend. The perfect student. The perfect athlete. The perfect child. The perfect entertainer.
But I try.
I pull my weight in everything I do, but I can't always be the best, no matter how hard anyone wants me to be, no matter how hard I push.
I can't always be everything, do everything.
I don't always laugh at the right time, I don't always smile at the right sentences. Maybe I joke about things I shouldn't. So I laugh when I should cry, and cry when I should smile. So I'm not perfect.
Hell, how could anyone expect perfection?
I've been a long way.
And I know I'm not perfect.
And if you are a part of this life I'm going to need you to accept that, too.

"Fall in love with my flaws before you fall in love with me."

DAY#24

    Hmmm, I have a lot of "ex-best friends." We have just grown apart, got into arguments over simple, irrelavent things. Its upsetting when I think about it. But what else can you expect from teenagers, right?
I think it's a bit harsh to call them all my "ex best-friends." I would say they are just friends, who I have let slip through my fingers these past 14 years. How I miss all of you dearly.

  ♥

Day 23

A bad habit I have...........

I talk.
A lot.

:O

day 22

A picture of me and my best friend :)

♥

Spur of the Moment

  You are supposed to run to me, hold me, say you love me, tell me everything is okay, tell me you're here now, tell me you always will be. You're supposed to let me fall into your arms, tell me it's alright, let me cry on your shoulder, say you'll still be my Valentine, tell me you are sorry. You're supposed to be kind to me under any and all circumstances. You're supposed to be the one person that doesn't look at me like I'm crazy.

Or not.

I can't fall.

Or I'll be back at square one.

Square one is a vile, nasty place.

I'm afraid.

“Sometimes in our confusion, we see not the world as it is,

 but the world though eyes blurred by the mind.”

day 21

My biggest fear when it comes to relationships is that I will show someone I love them, that I will spend time on them and confide in them and let them know I love them, and that they will push me away. I'm always scared that they won't like me, that they're going to run away, that they are going to change into a monster that I don't want in my life. That they are going to forget my words and watch me fade away.

   

     I'm having a bad day. :(

FOUR DAYS

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

My house is quiet this morning.

Woke up.

Almost went back to bed.

But decided to pick up my book and drift away for awhile.

Sipping at my coffee.

My feet are freezing.

I painted my nails pink.

I've gotta feel this.

Day20

Imagine me, getting ready for school. This is most of my stuff.

I Just Want To Show You.

"Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation

 as you are your own. Love each other or perish."

All I'm good at is talking. So I'd like to have a career that involves talking and people. I like talking. And people. But some people are so rude and ignorant, like seriously. How old are we now, time to be a grown up.
I've been so good lately. I like it. ♥
I like looking forward to waking up in the morning. I like just being me. I like being ok with things. I like being REAL happy. I like feeling my feelings. I like not being afraid anymore.

"While you sit around thinkin' bout what you can't change, worrying about all the wrong things. Time's flyin' by, moving so fast. You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back..."

Its almost the 14th of February. 

It seems like no one likes Valentine's day anymore. I remember in elementary school when we did those little handmade valentine's, and we would do them so tediously, giving the biggest prettiest ones to who you liked, and the smaller, less attractive ones to the kids you didn't like. People seem to dislike this holiday because they don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend to celebrate it with. That isn't what its about. Its an opportunity to show anyone, anywhere, that you care about them. Friend love. Family love. Real love. Puppy love. It doesn't matter. Look at it as a chance to reach out to someone, and love.



Morrie Schwartz

"People haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're

running all the time looking for it."

People talk of "finding themselves." They want to know why they are here, what they are supposed to be, who they are supposed to be.They waste precious days, months, even years of thier lives trying to figure out what their life means. You just have to go with it. Be by yourself, be with others. Embrace your emotions, then let them go. That is what we all need to do to find meaning in our lives, is to just go with the flow. Stand up for your rights. Watch time go by. Run. Jump. Cry. Yell. Sing. Dance. Teach. Learn. Help. Be helped. Play. Laugh. Smile. Live. We must live our lives to the fullest extent. When I am on my deathbed, I want to be able to say I have done just so, to say I have "found meaning in my life" just by being alive.

"Tuesdays With Morrie"

I swear, that book saved my life.

Thank You.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."

   It looks like a snowglobe out there. Do you think God just shakes the whole world, and that's what makes it snow? Like he uses the earth as his own personal snowglobe? Hmm. I was baptized a Catholic, but I live like an atheist. Maybe I should start Talking To God.

I'm Meaghan, and I'm re-teaching myself how to be happy.

I'm Meaghan, and all I'm asking for is forgiveness.. And trust.

I'm Meaghan, welcome to my life.

I'm Meaghan.. And for the first time in quite a long while...

                          I'm glad I am alive.

♥

DAY #19

A picture from today.