Day 25 :D

A letter to an ex boyfriend...

Brendan:

           You really ought to know by now how badly you hurt me. All I wanted was honesty and you couldn't even give me that much. I never asked for a single godforsaken thing, all you did was take and take and take and take. I really did love you then, I hope you know that. I honestly believed you loved me too, for a couple seconds there. I could go on... But I'd be crazy to give you that satisfaction.

You suck,

              Meaghan (:

You and I walk a fragile line.

I can't always be the perfect best friend. The perfect daughter. The perfect girlfriend. The perfect student. The perfect athlete. The perfect child. The perfect entertainer.
But I try.
I pull my weight in everything I do, but I can't always be the best, no matter how hard anyone wants me to be, no matter how hard I push.
I can't always be everything, do everything.
I don't always laugh at the right time, I don't always smile at the right sentences. Maybe I joke about things I shouldn't. So I laugh when I should cry, and cry when I should smile. So I'm not perfect.
Hell, how could anyone expect perfection?
I've been a long way.
And I know I'm not perfect.
And if you are a part of this life I'm going to need you to accept that, too.

"Fall in love with my flaws before you fall in love with me."

DAY#24

    Hmmm, I have a lot of "ex-best friends." We have just grown apart, got into arguments over simple, irrelavent things. Its upsetting when I think about it. But what else can you expect from teenagers, right?
I think it's a bit harsh to call them all my "ex best-friends." I would say they are just friends, who I have let slip through my fingers these past 14 years. How I miss all of you dearly.

  ♥

Day 23

A bad habit I have...........

I talk.
A lot.

:O

day 22

A picture of me and my best friend :)

♥

Spur of the Moment

  You are supposed to run to me, hold me, say you love me, tell me everything is okay, tell me you're here now, tell me you always will be. You're supposed to let me fall into your arms, tell me it's alright, let me cry on your shoulder, say you'll still be my Valentine, tell me you are sorry. You're supposed to be kind to me under any and all circumstances. You're supposed to be the one person that doesn't look at me like I'm crazy.

Or not.

I can't fall.

Or I'll be back at square one.

Square one is a vile, nasty place.

I'm afraid.

“Sometimes in our confusion, we see not the world as it is,

 but the world though eyes blurred by the mind.”

day 21

My biggest fear when it comes to relationships is that I will show someone I love them, that I will spend time on them and confide in them and let them know I love them, and that they will push me away. I'm always scared that they won't like me, that they're going to run away, that they are going to change into a monster that I don't want in my life. That they are going to forget my words and watch me fade away.

   

     I'm having a bad day. :(

FOUR DAYS

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

My house is quiet this morning.

Woke up.

Almost went back to bed.

But decided to pick up my book and drift away for awhile.

Sipping at my coffee.

My feet are freezing.

I painted my nails pink.

I've gotta feel this.

Day20

Imagine me, getting ready for school. This is most of my stuff.

I Just Want To Show You.

"Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation

 as you are your own. Love each other or perish."

All I'm good at is talking. So I'd like to have a career that involves talking and people. I like talking. And people. But some people are so rude and ignorant, like seriously. How old are we now, time to be a grown up.
I've been so good lately. I like it. ♥
I like looking forward to waking up in the morning. I like just being me. I like being ok with things. I like being REAL happy. I like feeling my feelings. I like not being afraid anymore.

"While you sit around thinkin' bout what you can't change, worrying about all the wrong things. Time's flyin' by, moving so fast. You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back..."

Its almost the 14th of February. 

It seems like no one likes Valentine's day anymore. I remember in elementary school when we did those little handmade valentine's, and we would do them so tediously, giving the biggest prettiest ones to who you liked, and the smaller, less attractive ones to the kids you didn't like. People seem to dislike this holiday because they don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend to celebrate it with. That isn't what its about. Its an opportunity to show anyone, anywhere, that you care about them. Friend love. Family love. Real love. Puppy love. It doesn't matter. Look at it as a chance to reach out to someone, and love.



Morrie Schwartz

"People haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're

running all the time looking for it."

People talk of "finding themselves." They want to know why they are here, what they are supposed to be, who they are supposed to be.They waste precious days, months, even years of thier lives trying to figure out what their life means. You just have to go with it. Be by yourself, be with others. Embrace your emotions, then let them go. That is what we all need to do to find meaning in our lives, is to just go with the flow. Stand up for your rights. Watch time go by. Run. Jump. Cry. Yell. Sing. Dance. Teach. Learn. Help. Be helped. Play. Laugh. Smile. Live. We must live our lives to the fullest extent. When I am on my deathbed, I want to be able to say I have done just so, to say I have "found meaning in my life" just by being alive.

"Tuesdays With Morrie"

I swear, that book saved my life.

Thank You.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."

   It looks like a snowglobe out there. Do you think God just shakes the whole world, and that's what makes it snow? Like he uses the earth as his own personal snowglobe? Hmm. I was baptized a Catholic, but I live like an atheist. Maybe I should start Talking To God.

I'm Meaghan, and I'm re-teaching myself how to be happy.

I'm Meaghan, and all I'm asking for is forgiveness.. And trust.

I'm Meaghan, welcome to my life.

I'm Meaghan.. And for the first time in quite a long while...

                          I'm glad I am alive.

♥

DAY #19

A picture from today.

Such A Wonderful Man.

 Welcome to Saturday Night.

Here I was tonight, goofing off in front of a camera. This is the bare, real me. Without the endless layers of make up. Here I am. I am now vulnerable to your critisism.

      I was at the music store today. It was just before 2 o'clock. I was sitting in a brown leather chair next to a window, and through that window there was three inches of snow on the ground, with plenty gently falling from the sky adding to it. Engrossed in my own thoughts, I heard a sweet, deep, truly happy laugh. I look up from my lap and I see a tall, bald, black man in a red sweater and thick rimmed glasses. "I thought we were done with this stuff!" He bellowed as he gazed out the window at all the fluffy white flakes, just like I had been. He looks at me and says "You know how to get your car out of all this? You stop. Get out of the car. And pile as much of that stuff on your front end as you can without damaging your car. Then get back in, tap the gas really lightly, and you'll be sliding right out like nothing. Its traction, see..." He spun me beautiful stories of the snow, investigating who stole his property, his "thug neighbors" , traction, how he will never again listen to the news radio and television, how to make an igloo. The only thing I know of this man is that he has a pistol hanging in his doorway with a plaque that says "We don't call the police." on it. I couldn't tell you his name. Or how old he is. Or what instrument he plays. Or his favorite color. Where he went to school. But this man is truly an inspiration to me. His laugh was musical, infectious, it entranced me. He made me want to sit and chat with him about mindless things for the rest of my weekend. He was so pleasant and lively! If everyone in the word had half the spirit and joyfulness this man had, the world would be a much better place. He says to me "Some thug stole my gate, and you know. He must have been a giant or somethin', and he just leaned over and plucked it right up, because he did not leave a single track for me to follow in all this snow! I'm amazed." Oh no, he wasn't worried about someone stealing his gate! He wanted to know how this thug didn't leave a footprint! This made my day. I want to be just like this man. He is an inspiration.  
                                                                                                               :)

Welcome to the Real World, She said to me.

Some days I wake up cold
                                        lost.
                                               alone
                                                        sad
                                                               scared
                                                                          hungover.

But I always

                   always

                              always

Wake up alive.

And I'm striving to make that a good thing.

Day #18

A picture of everything in my backpack.


Homework folder, English folder, Lunchbox♥, Gym shoes, Hand-made Winter Formal T-shirt :)



You are not just a wave, You are part of the ocean.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

 I mess up sometimes. I do. I am not a role model, I am not a parent, I am not a celebrity who millions eagerly follow. I am just a frightened girl trying to figure things out for myself. As I watch, I see things. Friends falling down around me. Love burning and raging and trying to hold me. Social status mattering less and more, more and less. People of all shapes and all sizes and all colors and all mindsets with their own problems and their own issues and their own friends and their own lovers and their own unique way of doing things. I'm looking for my own unique way of doing things.

I'm sorry I made you think this is okay.
I'm sorry I made you think I'm ok.
I'm sorry I made you laugh when I needed to cry.
I'm sorry for everything.

 I see that I impact people. I have a wall, I built it within me because I thought we all need to keep things to ourselves. You seemed so stable, you knew how to help yourself, you dug yourself out of your own hole. But your falling back in again. I need you to talk to me. I'm here. I'm always going to be. You need to remember that you and I are inseparable. That you and I, are the same. That you and I feel the same feelings and I'm here to let you know that. I made you do this, understand that was not my intention. I am guilty. Do not tell me I was not your cause, I did not tell you no. Please. Let us take down my wall, and fill in the cracks in yours. I'm always here.

You ought to know who you are. 

Day 17

List of 5 imperfections\flaws.

1.) I'm an extreme over-analyzer. I over think things and second guess myself constantly.

2.) I'm hypercritical, like I'm an extreme perfectionist.

3.) I accidentally yell at people because I have so much going on in my head that outsiders do little things that make me explode at them.

4.) I'm really bossy, I was born a leader and I embrace that aspect of myself, but generally it's annoying and I seem very self-absorbed.

5.) I take advantage of things I shouldn't.

Happy February

We are so dependant on calenders and clocks. Why can't I leave when I wish to leave, sleep when I feel like sleeping, miss when I feel like missing?

Supposed to get a snowstorm where I live tonight, blizzard warning starting at 7pm.

Running

Sprinting
Breathing

The higher I fly, the harder I crash.

I get so excited
So pumped
So happy
So joyful
So optimistic
For nothing.
Just messing.
Its over.
No more.
And then i fall
Into the deep abyss
Of life
Depression

Malfunction

People people people
And I crash
Loud and clear

Into the brick wall of the world.

The sheer forces of reality knock me back.
Thoughts ricochet around my head
I crash hard
And it lasts and lasts
I  try and try
No hope no faith.
I just want to be free.
The higher I fly.. The harder I crash.

"I am tomorrow, or some future day,

what I establish today. I am today what I

established yesterday or some previous day."

Can anybody hear me?

"I am Meaghan's low self esteem. I tell Meaghan that she is not worth anything and that she should just give up. I am Meaghan's social anxiety. I make Meaghan afraid to interact with people, and give her a reason to feel like her self esteem should be low. I am Meaghan's inferiority complex. I make Meaghan feel that she is the worst person in the world and that there is something inherently wrong with her. I am Meaghan's restless mind. I am constantly thinking and making Meaghan feel worse even when she starts to feel better. I am Meaghan's constant state of depression. I make Meaghan feel miserable all day long and make her wish that she had never visited a place we know as the universe. I am Meaghan's sense of accomplishment. I am now nonexistent because I feel that nothing that I ever do is worth anything because no matter what I try I cannot make myself feel happy. I am Meaghan's guilt. I make Meaghan feel terrible for feeling the way she does because she has things better than 90% of the people on the face of the earth.
I am Meaghan's sense of hope. I am one of the few things that keep Meaghan from ending her life. I am beginning to fade away, but Meaghan tries to hold onto me with everything she has, because I am all she has left...

What are you? "

-Fight Club

Day 14 15 16

Something I'm ashamed of?
Read on, and you will see. I am most ashamed of this self infliction, this intoxicating pain, these hide-and-seek games I play.

My first relationship?
A waste of my heart.

My life story in 3 words?
You'd be surprised
♥

day 13

"I feel spectacular.I feel

shitty.I feel on top of

the world. I feel like I'm

on my way to hell.The

ball's in my court.What do

I do? Serve? Volley? Concede?"

How do I feel about myself? Not good. I hate who I am. I feel like I deserve to be dead. I feel like I might as well take my life because I'm going to hell anyway.
  Today my creative resources are all dried up and I can't come up with pretty enough words to describe my inside, to describe what I see. I don't like that, it's really all I have left in this little lonely world I'm in. At least "I feel" like that, anyway.
 I feel like I'm too tall. I think too much. I over analyze. I'm in a sad mood every day for no reason. I have a good life, but I hate it. I feel like no one cares and no on ever will. This is how it is, sorry too bad, you drew the short straw in the pickings of life. I feel like I constantly have a cloud over my head.

Day 12..?

What makes me smile.

-My dog.

-Music

-Winning

-Rain

-Snow days

-Baking things.

-Solid sleep and waking of my own accord.

-Sleepovers. 

..Fall Winter Spring?

Summer.

I miss the sun.

The heat.

The sweat.

The air conditioners.

Walking the dog down Gratiot Avenue

Cutoffs

Tank tops

Sun Glasses
Fireworks
Midnight prank calls to kids who knew it was us.
Hours of ranting and complaining about precious boys boys boys.

The sweet sticky Mountain Dew kisses
In small, secluded, dimly-lit spaces between fences and brick walls of
our abandoned middle school.
Dreaming quietly through all hours of the day
Long, sleepless nights

Sun block

Flip flops

Bathing suits

Water

Dancing in Summer storms

Writing in Summer storms

Watching the ink drip wet down my final page of priceless poetry.

Daisy chains

Made from simple, stolen flowers

From the gardens of friends, enemies, society, unknowns.

Hate
Love
Indifference
Art

Cell Phone

Build-A-Bear
Splash

2010....

..2011
Summer.

One more semester.

Day 11

5 THINGS THAT MAKE ME MAD !

1. Those nights that you have so much going on, and then the teachers give you so much homework. It's like they can sense that you have stuff going on.
2. My dad. This could also be [ 2. The effects of alcohol. ]
3. Knowing I caused pain to someone else
4. Irresponsible, lazy people.

5. Crying.

I'm Not Like Other Girls.

But how I wish I was.

I wish I was

a lover not a fighter

a cryer, not a wisher

an artist, not a cutter

A real girl, not just "Meaghan."

I wish I could be

more romantic, not so goofy

a genius, not a halfway point

    a creator, not a fan.

                                                         a person, not just a
                                                     waste of breath

I wish to be

skinny, not so busty like this

flirty, not so klutzy

perfect, not so average like me

beautiful, and not so ugly.

Day 10

6 things I cannot live without.

 

1. Music♥
2. A book.
3. Ice water.
4. Someone to make stories with.
5. Chapstick, the minty burts bees kind 
6. Paper and something to write with. 

Day 9?

My "PICTURE OF THE DAY"

Ibuprofen

I need you to be my eyes                                                                                                      

So long, old friend. Thanks a lot, Doc.

To help me see where I'm going, what im doing

I need you to be my mouth

Help me say things that matter

I need you to be my heart
So I can stay alive long enough to live a full life
I need you to be my belly and
tell me not to eat any more
I need you to be my feet and

Lead me in the right direction.

I'm like your eyes; blue, bold.

I'm like your mouth; open, talkative.

I'm like your heart; full of love and hate.

I'm like your belly button; useless, but I'm here anyway.

I'm like your feet; I stay low to the ground.

Meds only cure half the physical pain.. I still hurt.

Day 8

A recent picture of me. And my baby sister. She still looks up to me.

Clownin'

Day 7

  One thing I want to tell someone is that I don't want to be who I am anymore. I hate myself, and I can't stand these mirrors showing me the truthful horror that is my reality. I want to be someone else. Someone beautiful, smart, funny, talented, witty, creative, adventurous, interesting, wild and responsible. I feel like I am outside my body, looking down onto who I am. And I hate it.




"I'm on the outside looking in."

 

I Miss You

I miss you, crooked smile in the mirror.

I miss feeling happy, versus just acting it, just playing the part.

I miss you, old pencil, old paper.

I miss having no worries.

I miss when "I need to talk to you." meant you just missed me and wanted to chat.

I miss when "depressed" was just a fancy way to say sad.

I miss when "pain" was getting a splinter and saying ow.

I miss when "a bad night" was when you didn't fall asleep until 10:30.

I miss when your eyes lit up seeing me.

I miss when you weren't always concerned about my problems.

I miss the days when you would talk to me and I would talk to you and you would never glance down where my hand connects to my forearm.

I miss when neither of us had to complain.



Day 6

The Hardest Thing You've Had to Do.

    The hardest thing I've ever had to do is what I'm currently doing: Waking up every morning and living my life in secrecy, living as if I'm okay, living as if I'm not always in pain. Keeping my big happy smile on my face, so no one worries about little old me. 

Marshal. You Have No Friends.

  I am like the sun sometimes... I come and go as I please. And no one notices. But they would care if I stopped coming and going, if I left this world behind.

I almost wish I hadn't done it. Because I know your going to ask me if I did. I don't want to lie. Its a difficult thing to hide... I'm feeling 10 pounds heavier. But I've barely eaten today. I'm also relieved. But in the back of my mind I'm worrying, of course, as usual.

Worrying you will see.

Worrying that I myself will show it to you!

Worrying you will tell.

Worrying I will shed the first tear.

Like I said, a difficult thing to hide. Ugh, fast food. fast food. Family, why? Family, school. Pressure. Pressure. Blood. Boyfriend? No sleep. Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty. Love. Ah, bugs. Guilty.

“A guilty conscience needs no accuser”

Day 5

a letter to your best friend..



Dear Katelyn,
      You are naive. You really are. But you are the only friend have, so I guess this is it.
    I admire you, because you are smart, and will always be smarter than me. I also admire you because you are nice to people even when they are mean to you.
    I think your stupid, you don't think when you fall in love. You think the world revolves around you. And you always leave me out of your plans.
    You hear me, but most days your too caught up in your life to listen. Sometimes you think, but only of yourself. You can speak about your problems and all of your battles you've chosen to fight, and I listen and listen until I no longer can, and I tell you quite simply, I couldn't care less anymore. Of course your offended. What goes around comes around; don't give it out if you can't handle getting it back.
   When you do fit me into your er, "BUSY SCHEDULE" we have a lot of fun, we always do.(http://www.youtube.com/illspeaknow) But when you leave, you never come back.

     I miss being closer to you. I miss those winning football games every friday with Jordan & Jordan. I miss Taylor Swift at all hours of the night. I miss my house smelling like peanut butter cookies every weekend. I wish you still knew me.

                                                                     -Megg-o





"Its your freshmen year, and your gonna be here for the next four years in this town... Cause when your 15 and somebody tells you they love you, your gonna beleive them."







I am a professional at seeming "fine."

          I can no longer define the lines between right and wrong. Between love and indifference. Between lust and need. You and I, our souls are twisted and tangled into a single crazed being. I can't distinguish the difference of my desicions and yours, my life and yours. Your words are killing me now. I cannot differenciate two things as simple and elementary as bathroom tiles, let alone two things so insanely complicated and intertwined as the two of us. I am utterly a mess. You are mocking me, throwing it in my face. Here I am, practically ripping my hair out, with my heart racing, tossing and turning and clawing at my damn wrist because I can't do it. Because I can't lose you. I want two things. And I cant have them both......

  

       "Wish 

   You could turn off

The questions, turn

off the voices

turn off all sound."

Day Numba 4

errrrrrrrrrr my mood?
How do I describe my mood?
I am tired.
I have a headache.
This is a diffficult one.



THIS IS WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW



yes please

  

 Why do they stare at me? Didn't their mommies and daddies teach them its rude to look like that at other people? And that its rude to point when they walk by? Oh.. Wait.. The mommies and daddies are looking too. Stop staring at me, please, avert your beautiful brown blue purple green silver hazel yellow red orange gray white navy beige black eyes. PLEASE, what am I to you, some sort of freak? Am I too tall? Too big? Too loud? Why do they all stop and stare and me,  they walk all over me using only their cold, far-away eyes. You don't know me, you didn't know I exsisted until I walked in the room 10 minutes ago, therefore you have no right to look down on me. So if you could please get on with your day, so I can get on with mine.

"No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky."

Day #3

Ex Boyfriend(s)

Brendan:
Pro: He always knew what to say to me.
Con: He was a liar.